the nature of pills

“I said what I meant and meant what I said. I don’t want any re-runs from an alcoholic. No one in this house is forced to suffer anymore and if you disagree with me you might as well leave too.”- It took her one breath to fiercely express her mind although everyone felt her voice shaking underneath. She turned to her left and went straight into the bedroom. An automatic urge made her take one valium off the nightstand, which in that moment seemed to have eagerly been waiting for her next disintegration. She finished them off her glass of stale water and sat on her working desk, trying to control herself and focus to finish the papers that were due Friday.

It was Tuesday. Just as on any other Tuesday, she would finish her classes and proceed to write articles online to get some extra money for the summer. She was going to visit her best friend that now moved to Georgia to study. She heard Georgia as a country has been blessed with the perfect balance between nature and city life. The inner city unfolded the newest underground music and all kinds of art but had mountains so breathtaking you’d be surprised such a place on earth existed. She did love climbing, but she did love to party just so.

As she was thinking about the distressing memories she started feeling the effect of the chill pill. The simple sensation was triggering enough. Now the flashbacks of her traumatizing past started coming up. Usually, when this happened, she would lay her fingers on the plastic container filled with pearly delights and dive into the virtual world next thing.

And she did.

Just one more for tonight.

She saw a picture of her ex-roommate. Anna was traveling all around the world now, as she planned to do for years now. Ana was telling her all about her trips to Australia, South Asia, and the islands in-between. She felt kind of a relief because her roommate was also dealing with a toxic home environment, which was the prime reason for them moving in together in the past. Anna’s father became an addict after her mother had left her, and her older sister seemed to inherit those hectic strains of genes. Made Lisa wonder, is it possible to stay sane in such an environment? Is it possible to live a simple life while all you feel inside is excruciating fear? Is it possible to stay sane, or everyone just naturally becomes a monster guarding their partially bandaged wounds? Then she started digging deeper… “Maybe the abuser is the victim, as the abuser that molested him... and the one before, and the one before that… all in a big crazy never-ending cycle, the most toxic cycle one could ever be a part of… but, how does it stop?”

She didn’t have an answer.

She closed the window, and headed to her comfy pillows, sheltered and free from danger, as the chill pills assist her drift off.

The alarm stopped. For the second time that morning. It was hard for him to get out of bed and go to work that week. Not that he did not want to, he loved his job. He was now working in his uncle’s construction firm for the past year, five times a week, eight hours per day. It was not the best pay, but it was good enough until he gets something in his field of interest, and it was damn sure better than working with his father.

One of the things he was passionate about was acting. He’d dream of getting parts in movies, and theater, he would even pose for catalogs in no time if offered to. All he wanted was someone’s eyesight pointed at him pouring out someone else’s stream of ideas. He sometimes did that without any cameras around at all, he neither needed a stage nor lighting. These episodes of dissociation he had were not something alien to him. They would occur in the simplest situations that were in any way intertwined with his anxious nature. That’s the one way he felt safe, by pretending. Of course, there were other alternatives to numb out his interior as well.

“Christian, I made you a couple of sausages, do you want me to wrap them up for you?” –his mother shouted from the kitchen.

“Stop treating him like a baby he can do that himself.” –said his father while putting on his shoes.

“These constant provocative remarks have already become cliché. We can all agree it’s time to act like adults, don’t you think?”

“Are you referring to me as a child, Sophia?”

“I am referring to both of you Philip. It’s about time you both understand we must support each other and work as a team.”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do, and it will happen as soon as your son gets his feet on the ground and understands the expense of his mistakes. “

His father was about to boil up while Christian remained steady. “I’d rather die out of hunger than have you as my authority.”

“You’re on a good path working for that crook.”-murmured his father.

“He’s a better boss than you are.”-Christian looked at him straight in his eyes.

“He’s not a better boss, he’s just being soft with you to get on my nerves. We’ll see how that goes in few years.”

“Of course, because all existence revolves around you. I’m gone.”-said Christian on his way out.

“What time will you be back? Did you take your medications? Christian!?” –his mother cried, as he flew his way out of the house.

The alcohol started prevailing in his blood. He knew, exactly, how wrong this was of him to do, instead, he just subsided.

As he was pouring down another vodka, he felt a pinch on the left side of his lower back.

“You should slow down with that glass of yours.”-said Lisa playfully kissing his dark-eyed face.

“Since when did I assign you as my doctor?”-uttered sporadically while he enjoyed her raptness.

“ I might not be a doctor but I know enough to be concerned when I see you drown your organs in alcohol. Especially not while- “

“Come with me” he cut her mid-sentence.

“Why, where?” –she flustered.

“Just, come...”

As they walked out of the party room, he searched with his eyes for a quiet spot. As he spotted the only empty corner in the whole house he took her hand as if that’s the only place on earth she should be at. He gently pushed her body against the cabinet and kissed her. They knew each other for a while. She knew his weak spots and he knew hers, without any of them ever being truly outspoken. Both were good at hiding their intrinsic selves, maybe exceptional at this point, but not even close to good enough to conceal from each other. It was absurdly easy for him to see through her transparency, but he still let her fabricate. She knew this. And she still continued doing it. This was her way of feeling safe. It was a first-class dynamic of the modern “situationship”.

“How are you feeling?” –she gently pushed away from him noting as if there was something much more important to be discussed than his kisses.

It often made him displeased. “I’m great. Why, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just curious. I want to know how you feel.”

“I said I’m fine. You know I don’t like it when you’re all worried about me. It makes me unnecessarily anxious.”-murmured while looking around the room.

She recognized this look. He was uncomfortable. “I am not worried, I am curious. Don’t need to be all dramatic and defensive.”

He sighed. “

"Besides that, I wanted to tell you some good news. It turns out, my apartment is going to be free this weekend. You can come and...” Without letting her finish her sentence he poured out his excitement by biting her on her shoulders. “Christian, slow down! I have bruises from last time.”

“These don't count. They are one of the good ones. Do you want me to bring some party goods?”

“What party goods?”

“Anything you’d like.”

“I think it’s enough to have each other.” –Lisa tenderly replied.

After a while of going through all the agonizing flashes of her childhood for the third time that week, she realized, she is not alone anymore. She is not shutting off her friends, not asking them for help. At least, she did not have to. She took her phone and hesitantly started dialing. In the first few minutes, she managed to keep a balanced tone with Anna, holding her tears, asking her about her latest adventures, trying to get her attention on something other than her pain. While Anna was happily chattering all about her latest visits to Vietnam, she noticed the silence on the line.

“What happened, baby? You there?” –she was still on the line.

Lisa crumbled. She looked at an old unnoticed note left on the ground. As she unfolded the note, it was almost like she unfolded her buried grief for the first time. On the letter were the last words her mother wrote before she left.

Anna asked what was wrong, and she started opening her wounds and began bleeding… she let it happen, but only to let her wounds finally start to heal. It was something she has never done in the past. It hurt like nothing else before, but she felt an inexplicable relief. “I am not that same petrified girl Anna. But it’s hard, no matter how old and big I get, I still feel the tremor in my base and quiver all of my surface when I talk to him.” She now knew she wasn’t defenseless despite her qualm. She was now capable to stand up for herself. At least, she tried.

“Of course I understand you. Why do you think I keep visiting all these different places, I mean – yes, I love exploring just as much as I love to breathe, but what I truly need is a home. And I won’t stop until I find it. Listen, I need to go because I’m late for my shift, please make yourself some tea and go to bed. Call me first thing in the morning.”

As if it was easy to go to sleep. She felt so exhausted it could have been a piano that stumbled upon her and she still couldn’t sleep. She opened the drawer and went for her usual pearly delights.

He has been thinking of his little sister a lot lately. How naïve and clueless she was about the real world. That evening she was tightly cuddled in her pallid teddy bears while reading some elemental third-grade novels. She was still floating in a rainbow bubble filled with nothing but hope. How beautiful it is to be a child, he thought. How beautiful it is to be sheltered in that seemingly complex terrene not knowing it’s really a utopian sphere that will soon end. Right after you are thrown into the world presumably clued into all the hazards of the reality. You realize the potential detriments coming at you as snowballs in the middle of summer. Then you meet all those malignant people without whom society cannot exist. Then you realize, you yourself are part of those people. It’s you fighting malice coming towards you while fighting your own demons simultaneously. How does one come to this? Where does it all begin?

She heard the knock on the door and hurried to dress up. She had already put on some of his kind of music on the speakers and turned off all the redundant lighting.

“Hey, pretty girl. Have you been waiting for me?”

“Actually I thought you’d be late.”

“I’m never late. What have you been up to?” -he took his sports jacket off and threw it on the sofa.

“I’ve been trying to do some work. I missed my deadlines last month and now I’m trying to catch up”

He saw her shy away from her look. “You worry too much. Forget about that for a couple of hours. I brought some of your favorites.”

“My favorites?”-she asked eagerly.

“Some Zannies and a Blue Moon six-pack.”

“Oh, you mean, your favorites. Why do you love that combination though?”

“The taste of Blue Moon is like literally drinking the Moon. With some blueness in it. But with alcohol.” Lisa started to giggle at him making a point while he continued. “I know, I know, it’s not manly or whatever” he altered his voice to a low pitch “I should be drinking IPLs like all the real men.” He stopped for a second, then he unequivocally voiced “And Zannies are my back up. You already know that. They make me feel normal.”

She already heard this many times but realized she never asked more. “Normal? How so?”

“Well, you know I’m naturally very hyperactive. This makes me reach some neutrality and brings me down to your level.” –he replied trying to keep himself on the surface.

“That’s crazy. You’ve become so addicted to it that you forgot your own nature.”

“Oh come on, don’t play so innocent.”- he replied half-jokingly waiting for her reaction. She flared her nostrils and dramatically outspread her mouth. He smiled and kissed her. Both of them were already vastly aware of the boundaries and the rules they were playing by even though none of them were scripted. They were well-known with no necessity of any uncovering or delving into. On the spur of a moment, he started to feel his restlessness. “Do you want to go to the party at Nick’s house?”

“I’m feeling good here. Do you want to go?” He shook his head no. “It’s fine, you are a free man!” –she laughed. “Shut up.”-upholding his whimsical nature.

After a couple of minutes of their usual pleasurable torture games played on each other’s bodies, she accommodated herself to his embrace and asserted to him “Seriously though, go to the party. I’ll be at home, I got some assignments to work on anyways.”

To be by herself that night was probably not her chief endeavor. She wanted him to stick around and be with him. But she also wanted him to go and sort of felt liberated as he left.

She often faced imbalanced glides between her polarities, almost like circulating around different stages of manic episodes on one hand and deep melancholy on the other. At times she was filled with indescribable zest towards any intention she would set her mind on. At times she willingly immersed herself in desperation. Sometimes she was keen on people and sometimes she despised them. It was very hard to keep up most times.

She tried to work. She asked herself if this would be dealing with the same affairs if she was elsewhere, somewhere distant with her weary load left far behind. All her baggage both good and bad left far, far behind, with a fresh chance to revitalize. Seemed like some remedy.

On his way, he started feeling his body parts deaden and almost felt euphoric about it. He still took his regular pre-party dose while he knocked on the door.

“Hey dude, come in! Where’s Lisa?”

“She had to work. What’s good?”- he entered and closed the door behind him.

The parties were something he was always in the mood for. His internal state was never of any importance, as long as he got the address, he’d try to be there. As per usual, he poured himself a drink and lost himself in the crowd.

There was dancing.

There was drinking.

There was talking and interlacing.

That was the last thing he remembered after he woke up. The scent of vanilla activated his senses. Lisa hated vanilla.

It wasn’t the first time he blacked out. It was the first time he blacked out and slept with some random. He clothed himself and fled back to Lisa’s apartment. He tried his best to silently walk in and a couple of steps ahead he spotted her already passed out in the living room. He took one of the blankets left on top of the settee and carefully put it on her as he laid beside her.

Lying there next to her, what went through his head was, that he did not feel any guilt. No remorse. He did not feel anything really, besides what was leftover from the mix of sedatives and alcohol.

Maybe he will. In the morning. After the effects wear off.

anastazziaz

the nature of pills

she.

he.

they.

she.

he.

they.

she.

he.

THEY.

ANASTAZZIAZ